Never Rely Your Happiness on People

Yeah, like what the title implies. I understand I should not actually be doing so, but i can't help but do so cause it's the last resort I know. 

As hopeless this is going to sound. 

I seem to have lost my smile.

Nothing seems to be able to keep me real happy for a long time. 

No pun intended but it's really sad to say.

I've changed. And i'm no longer the same person I used to be.

and it's killing me

I lost my best friend, I push people who try to be nice to me away.

i'm a total b%^ch.

(as much as i wanna put it out there, i still have to be sensitive to what I disclose) 

"Be careful of the sharp edges that may cut you when you are trying to fix a broken person" 
^that quote hasn't been anymore real in my life right now

People seem to be the only thing that I can use to bring myself up again.

I use "talking to people" as a coping strategy.

And as much as I wish my "best friend" would ask me out again, i bet she doesn't have TIME for me cause she has too many people that loves her in her life..

AND YES, I'M GREATLY AFFECTED BY THAT. 

EVERY SINGLE DAY

I'M NOT GOING TO NAME YOU ANYWAY, it doesn't really matter if you realise I'm talking to you at all. You don't have time right? Its okay.

It's okay.

It really is. 

not. 

but i still love you  ❤︎ 

I'm just going to try. On my own. To get over someone that I "shouldn't" have to need to get over.

I try to talk to other people, try to bring more people into my life and get rid of the past. You know right. 

All my past relationships

that i've promised myself NEVER to go back to.

They're exes for a reason and I don't want to make the same mistake and then call myself foolish after we break up again. 

I'm going to be ok.

I'm gonna be strong.

and I'm gonna move on. 

But it's hard, I really can't do it on my own. 

I'M A CONTRADICTING MESSED UP TEEN.

I'm sorry. 

Love, Rosie Movie Review

Omg! Love, Rosie is one of the Best Best Best movie one could ask for!

P.S. I WATCHED IT TWICE AND IM SO GONNA BUY THE DISK

Starring the ever so beautiful Lily Collins- OMG! 

I think she's the most beautiful human being that could ever be casted as Rosie in this movie. SHES THE BESTEST❤️

Words cannot describe my love for this storyline. It's the best love story ever! I won't spoil the movie for you here! But I promise you won't regret watching it cause OMG! 

She and Sam Claflin make the best couple ever. Super ship. Or maybe their acting is just too good! 😭 

Ok go watch it now. And remember to buy the disk ❤️ 

I love you! 

Disclaimer: images are from google, I do not own them! 

THE FAULT IN OUR STARS TYPE OF LOVE STORY

HAH. EVERY GIRLS' DREAM ISNT IT.

Well, to be honest, other than the cancer part, it's totally possibly. I mean, you wouldn't wanna include that right?

It's possible to have a love story like that. Yes it is realistic. All you have to do is get that guy (your boyfriend/crush/date) to watch that movie, and FULL STOP. If he doesn't learn from it or just doesn't get it, maybe he isn't what you're looking for. (well cause we're talking bout having a love story like TFIOS right now) 

Few pointers we can learn from that movie:

1. Hazel wasn't desperately looking for somebody to love; love found her. 

Yeah you might say, most of the time, the best things come when you least expect. Well, you could be expecting, but you don't stress on it fully. You get what I mean? 

2. Augustus loved real

Augustus Waters, what a lovely lovely man. Fictional. Every girls' dream.

Mine too. 

Theres something about the way he looks at Hazel, something about the way he treats Hazel, and something bout how he told Hazel he loves her. 

Anybody can tell you "I like you" or "I love you" in this generation without actually meaning it. People start to forget what these three words truly mean and confusion starts kicking in, and yes it sucks. 

I won't actually think that somebody has a crush on me if they chose to even voice out "I like you".

Pretty dumb huh? But it's true. true that i love you. HAHHAAH WHUT. 

In order to not get my heart broken so easily, I choose NOT to just believe anyone that says "I like you"

A girl can tell another girl "I love you" even if they were straight. So.. whats the biggy?

3. The way they forget about the time because they were too distracted by each other.

Well, if you can't do that, i'm pretty sure you two aren't that in love. 

But lemme fan girl a lil over here alright

The way they said "okay", "okay" make my heart melt like chocolate fondue. I LOVE LOVE THAT. 

And when they realise that it was already 1am, but they were still on the phone  ❤︎ that. ughhhhh  ❤︎ 

Quotes I can't get over😂:

"It would be a privilege for my heart to be broken by you" 

"I love you present tense" 

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities" 

"I'm in love with you"

"I fell in love the way you fell asleep, once and all at once"

“What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.” 

“That's why I like you. Do you realize how rare it is to come across a hot girl who creates a adjectival version of the word pedophile? You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.” 

OKAY? 

OKAY. 

Song of choice:

'Crazy' -Gnarls Barkley (Cover) Daniela Andrade

TUMBLR PICS

Hey ya'll, I'm not too good at handling a tumblr blog yet, so imma post my pics here  ❤︎

but i do have a tumblr blog radicugh.tumblr.com

xx

Instagram: @punkgurliegurl 

Things to be sad about

I'm trying to find my rights to be sad.

1. People are so mean to me
So I actually naively tried to share my new youtube video with my class in the class whatsapp group, and you know my videos are at most 5 mins. So i politely asked if they would take some time to watch that less than 5 mins video for me. What replys did I get? "No time sry" "O-levels coming up" "Ain't nobody got time for that"
why must you be so mean to me? I mean like, words hurt you know. Don't you think it's a little too overboard for a joke? If you have nothing good to say, DON'T.  And you can watch the world cup at midnight and say it's ok, I'm just politely asking "if" you could watch it. I DIDN'T ASK FOR A REPLY ANYWAYS. And, who are you kidding, if you're concentrating on your studies, why are you on your phone then? LIES LIES LIES. WHAT A BUNCH OF MEAN LIARS. One of them even once meant the world to me. 
Why you gotta be so mean? 

2. I feel so invisible
So recently, my teacher allocated me to sit somewhere where I have no friends. It sucks. People look down on me, people literally turn their backs on me, people are so heartless to me. It's so sad. I mean the girl that I'm currently sitting beside with, changed. She changed. And now she's so arrogant and whatnots. Just because you're living your dream doesn't mean you have to be so mean???
And this girl, she NEVER smiles at me. NEVER. I once even invited her to my birthday party. She came. But what now? When I ask her for favours, she just never willingly want to help. She never looks at me in the eye. She looks down on me too. So there was this once, where she(intentionally) gave a certain worksheet to this guy classmate (keep in mind that guy attends the same class as me thats different from the class), and she was asking around who didn't take, and I asked her TWICE. And she unwillingly gave it to me. Like whats wrong with you??? Just that you fancy this guy doesn't mean you treat others meanly.

3. The Society
WHAT has this society turn into??? I hate this society so so much. It's hurting. It denotes that every girl must have perfect skin, skinny legs with a thigh gap and a small waist. It makes us girls forsake our bone structure and what we are supposed to be and what not. Like seriously! Don't you know that some people just have higher metabolism? Thats why they are skinnier than you, but they eat more than you and are not starving??? And theres this painful group of people that starve themselves in order to get skinny. As a result, they become anorexic and a hot topic, and what comes next?? Illness. If anorexia goes out of control, it can become fatal, and that poor girl will obv die and her family members will cry. Why can't we all just forget about they wrong ideal of a perfect body because there is actually none. There is no such thing as "ideal" and theres such a thing as big boned. Go compare someone that is small boned and big, YOU WILL SEE IT. If you don't see the difference in bone size,  go home and tell your mom you need to visit the optometrist.

K. I'M SO SICK OF THIS. BYE.

I'm more than tired

I really hate when this happens. It's like, I feel so depressed deep down, but if I were to consort somebody bout this, they'll most likely not understand(and think they do) what I'm feeling and they try to explain to me what I'm going through. Seriously? You'll bring in the hate man. 

I go around telling ppl I'm really tired. Even my teachers are asking me why am I so tired. Haha yea, I'm realllllly tired. 

Alright. I'm really sad alright. I'm freaking the sadness out of my soul. Help. God? Are you there? Why am I so alone. I'm sitting in class with people that aren't really my friend. Even the one that I thought supposedly to be really kind to me changed. She's no longer the same and I'm hurt. Is the bully cycle of my life starting all over again? 😢

How am I expected to do well this way. 

I'm not even emotionally stable and I can't do anything about it. 

Procrastination

I am inevitably extremely guilty of this. I can't help but fall into procrastination. But I felt like I should actually do something.. Like, writing a blog post. You know umpteen times that I wanted to blog, I don't. I could actually just whip out my phone and type in some words when I'm in the train or bus to somewhere far away. I just can't. I rather stare into space, listen to the same song over and over again. Yeah. Thats me.

I'm so lazy. Unless I've got some motivation, then yea I go hard. But once my mom(or anyone) asks me to study, BOOM! I hate studying, I don't wanna do it anymore. Any student will know how annoying it is for someone to ask you to go study. Especially when you're a super busy person taking a break or something, AND they ask you to study. UDVUIPSBVPIVVSHB

I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. JUST SHUT UP EVERYONE.

SORRY SOMETIMES I GET CRANKY AND I HATE EVERYONE, OTHERWISE ILL TRY MY BEST TO LOVE, OR AT LEAST TRY TO COVER UP THE HATE.

jbdbvhdsbovsduvbosvbs

Hate this

How long can we keep this love? Having to keep this distance in mind. I can't say I miss you or I love you like I used to. You know it's something like what they call 'Skinny Love' but it is not. Kay maybe you've been hurt that's why you're not letting me in again. But if there's no trust, there's totally no point of love. 

Get you shyt together man 

You got me cursing.  

Strangers

Is it you or is it that you really seem like you've became a stranger to me again. The way you talk to me, as if we just met and you're disinterested in me at all cause I'm all so boring and stuff. It disgusts me big time. You don't seem like you at all. Where have you gone? I kinda miss the way we used to be. But it takes two hand to clap. I hate the distance in between. We've gone too far to be talking like strangers again. This just isn't working okay. 

ACACIA BRINLEY

Acacia is the prettiest girl everrrrrrrrrrrr. I don't know her, hence I'm only talking bout her looks. But who cares. In today's society, all were talking bout is LOOKS LOOK & LOOKS. That's all! It's so freaky annoying how someone can be so perfect. Like they're all you wanna look like, but u just can't. Unless u get plastic surgery, which is not recommended at all. I hate fake. I don't consider makeup as being fake, I categorize it as enhancing what you have. 

Acacia is so pretty, it makes me wanna like looking at her pictures. It's kinda addicting though. Observing someone so pretty live. Sick enough, I'm obsessed with her YouTube videos. Especially, when she's up close to the camera, doing her stuff(being pretty). Ok enuf.

Omg? 

Stahp.

I'm done. xx

I hate myself actually

As much as I wanna be loved. I can't. People don't realise how much I go through, well they're just to oblivion to wanna care bout what I go through or whatever shit. People, oh people. Who am I to judge? After all, I'm only human. 

Most people don't tend to realise how much sufferings one go through just cause of the smile they put  on.

People like to think that they go through the most. 

Because of that, think that they're the strongest. 

and I hate that.

Contradictory enough, I hate myself. You may wonder why cause I'm constant uploading pictures of myself. Smiling.

What people fail to realise is, the messed up dark world inside.

I never thought I'd return to a phase like that again, in this life. But here I am. Back to square one

Thought i'd be happy forever, but I lost it. I lost it all. 

Happiness, where are you. I'm feeling so dead. I've thrown my ego away long enough, trying to save myself. But it didn't work. I'm sorry.

My head really hurts so bad. goodnight. 

Being in the Entertainment Biz is never easy

What do you know about the entertainment industry? All fun & glamour?

Honey, the entertainment industry is one of the toughest industry to struggle in. 

Well almost 1/2 of the population can sing, 1/3 of the population can act, 1/3 can dance. Then who will get hired? 

Well, it's not up to us to decide who wins or loses, who gets the call back & whatnots. To keep you going, always keep in mind that, just that they didn't call you back, doesn't mean you're lousy, it just means you don't fit the role, you're not what they're looking for! You can be the best actor/actress in the world, but if you don't fit that role, they won't hire you! 

Sorry but this is the hard truth. Because if this one good actor/actress gets called back for every film, then... You'll be seeing him/her in every single movie/show.. Isn't that a lil boring?? 

How much can you earn in the entertainment industry? 

Well, some earn a lot, maybe someone's whole month salary, or maybe 5 times a person's monthly salary. Why, you would ask. Well, honestly, a show can go on selling for years, sold internationally, replayed 5 years later, or even win a noble award! Hence, the amount of money that actors/actresses earn aren't that much of a big deal after all. 

And being in the entertainment business, you won't have a stable income. That's why if you know models that are sent overseas by their agents(some), feed on biscuits everyday. Because they just can't get a job, their allowance just allows them to feed on some water & biscuits. 

This industry sure is a tough one, but if that's what you really want, trust me, you're gonna survive, you're gonna make it❤️ 

Images: Tumblr 

Am I invisible?

Idk whats wrong, something's really really wrong. I feel like I'm non existent, nobody noticed me at all. 

Yea, some of you may know that I'm a performer, I must have people watching me perform all the time, I get applaused for, and.. That's it. 

You have no idea what happens off stage. 

I get thrown aside. 

That's why you can always see me striving my way to sing in public or get a spotlight in a dance, or get casted for a film. If you know me well enough, that's what I actually do. 

I don't have real real friends. 

I'm still looking for my true friend. Guy or girl it doesn't matter, I just need somebody to keep me alive. 

Am I invisible? 

Do you know how cold lonely feels? When somebody that's supposedly your close friend no longer call you along to the toilet with them. Cause they rather go with the other friend they found. Especially when you're not very close to that whole group of people, you're not here neither there. and that, results in me being so alone. I'm always the one that's being left behind. Unless I go and talk to people like a pest. 

But why? You're good looking, you should have a lot of people constantly talking to u!?!? 

No I'm not complimenting myself, I for actually find myself that good looking, it's just what I receive from people. I get complimented quite a lot.. I must admit. 

But a thousands of fake friends will never be as important as that 1 real friend that stays by your side all the time. You will die without friends. I don't actually have many constantly talking to me. People think that if you're pretty, boys will keep talking to u. Oh r u serious? Then I must be so ugly. 

All I need is that friend that's always by my side. Even if it's a boy, please don't ask me to stay away from him. 

I'm not like u, I don't have friends. 

'Feels from yesterday' @The Esplande 

Live, don't just breathe

I'm sure if I live my life this way, it's gonna have a con where I lose my social life. Cause like, if I'm truly LIVING, which to me it means to be always preoccupied with something that I enjoy. This whole week, I'm gonna be out from 8am to 10pm. And it'll be consisting of school, cca, dental appointment, tuition, and on set. Wow. 

Isnt this all that I've wanted? And now it's here, I'm too busy to use my phone, but I have people that I have to talk to.. 

Only Sundays will be my breathing day. But I'm sure it's just half a day to breathe..

I hate complaining. 

I'm serious, the more you complain, the more you cannot endure.. But then I have nothing much to say. 

I wanna love life, I hope I make the right decisions. Sometimes I yolo, and sometimes I'm just afraid of everything. 

I'm not too sure bout where I'll go in my future, whether I'll be able to support myself with a job that I like. 

I live my everyday with "Live life to the fullest" and it's amazing. 

Just work hard for everything you do, because you can do it. And I'm so sure of it. 💞 

So.. 

BELIEVE IN YOU. 

Drama Queen

Yea i say things like "I hang out with boys more cause i like that they have less drama". Then here I am about to tell you how dramatic I am. 

I don't think that this can be controlled though, sometimes i really think that i'm crazy, or psychotic, or whatever you wanna call it. This isn't who I wanna be. Can I control it? Can i be any different? Or is it because like what they say cause i'm in a relationship, people tend to become this way?

But I kinda think it's the stress in my life.
My mind is a really chaotic place, it generates thoughts and epiphanies every single second. That's why i'm constantly writing. And no, I don't always write it on this blog, cause I feel very exposed. I'm conservative in a way. But not the way I dress.

Ugh by now I think you should be able to see how disorganised I am. Digressing from topic to topic. I too, can't stand myself ☺️, so don't worry if you feel the same.

and i'm eating some mango yogurt


ok so right now i'm so distracted i forgot i was suppose to blog about my inner sadness.

I felt so sad all week, idk why. can you imagine feeling sad to bed & waking up unhappy still? and when you're trying to make yourself happier, all you get is NO.

I've really no idea what's got into me. I really don't. I just wanna go shopping. I have nothing but a cupboard of clothes I find boring 😂.

yeayeayeayeayeyaeyaeyeyyeayyeey



find my funny side on swagachild.tumblr.com ok? oK? OK? OK?!?! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION AND YOU DON'T WANNA ANSWER? WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU? A BASIC B⭐︎*H?  ok you are now. congratulations bruther, u succeeded in being annoying☺️



(before your secrets get published you better whisper to THIS saying "okie dookie i find tis funny")  



❤︎ Learn how to use emojis like a pro by watching this video ❤︎ 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfXOXrDbDkE

luv ya.

Why girls make up & dress up so much

Well, if you're not one of us, you prolly won't understand. But there's this thing about looking nice that boosts our confidence to x100.  You've heard of it, and it's true. 

Do u know that girl, muddle headed, always looking down..? Oh no, that's not her character! It's society that destroyed her inner self. 

WHY GIRLS START WEARING MAKEUP SINCE 8? 

Well.. Not all.. But most likely they're just influenced by someone, or media. Haha. Or they could prolly have matured earlier #lol 

Why girls like to wear makeup so much? 

Well like I said, it boosts our confidence. I mean when somebody super good looking talks to you, don't you feel inferior? Yea you do. 

But when you are pretty (at least kinda), you'll feel so much better, and some even can become a totally different person. Yea, it's true. (Ps. My case 😉) 

Well sometimes I feel alright without make up.. Until I hit the toilet. Bam! I realise how ugly I am. And omg. My esteem hits rock bottom. And it makes me wanna go home immediately. Unless you're having a good time, and that somebody makes you feel so beautiful. You won't feel the need for makeup. 

When you find that person, remember to keep them by your side ☺️❤️ 

"Embrace yourself, love who you are, because somebody loves you ❤️💋" 

P.s. No makeup pictures ☺️😉 

OUTDOOR PHOTOSHOOT ♡

So, i'm currently trying to take some pretty photos for my portfolio and stuff like that- Because I love modelling, and i'd need these photos for things like that  ❤︎ 

So here are some photos i found interesting and amazing! All thanks to my friend Cheryln  ❤︎ 

Shoutout to you! I'll hire you if I need you professionally! 

playing basketball😂

 ❤︎ 

I'm a dancer, so it explains my physic!  ❤︎ 

STUDY STRESS CAN KILL

i love it so much how my mother nags at me giving me motivation to study harder.

OMG. STAHP IT.

I hate it — the pressure that you're giving me. I know, i know it’s my finals year. I know it. What have I done seriously. I’m just putting makeup on, cause we (my mom and I) are going out for lunch. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT SERIOUSLY. and u come in and tell me to stop going out and start studying. 

Pre-required knowledge: 1. I go to school, and back home. 2. I have tuitions until 9,10pm on certain days. 3, Sometimes I have CCA that require me to stay back till 7pm. 4. I study on either sat/sun. 5. I fall sick frequently due to stress. 

AND YOU. TELLING ME TO STUDYING HARDER. OMG. I REALLY honestly feel like stabbing myself in the feels. THE STRESS YOU GAVE ME FROM THOSE TWO SENTENCES COULD REALLY END MY LIFE. 

And you reading my blog must be thinking, i have a psychological disorder. Yea, it’s true. 

HELP.

Name Me Anything Worst Than This, Cause I Can't

First Of All, I want you to know that our psychological wellbeing is more concerning than our physical wellbeing. Why? You Maybe Wondering. Because, we may be sick but still be positive. But, when we’re negative, our bodies become weak and sick as well. ♡

Have you ever felt like it’s really hard to find someone you trust to share with them everything that goes through your mind? Like somehow they’re gonna use that vulnerable side of you to hurt you instead? Yea, all our past mistakes tell us the same story of us, being too foolish & too trusting. 

What’s worst than once thinking you’ve found someone that understands you and that he/she is the one that understand you like no one else, not even your mother understood you.  So, you went on telling them your true feelings,  your past hurts, your weaknesses, how vulnerable of a soul you are, and not that strong after all. THEN you find out that they don't even believe everything you said — your past hurts, feelings, everything you've gone through. 

Cause they seem to act like they understand everybody, put themselves into everybody’s shoes, to understand whatever they are going through. But in the end, whatever they are just rubbish crap, they don't even understand what they’re talking about. They don’t even know the pain you're going through or once went through exist at all, but they act like they’re the ones who went through the MOST. So, they're the wisest counsel. RUBBISH. 

I think, them acting this way, just show they’re level of intelligence — no offence to you but, it’s just how you make me feel.

Do you even know.. How much courage there has to be? For me, to tell you what ive been through? Depressions (if I may list), anxiety, self-harm, feelings of not wanting to live anymore, loneliness, crying every single night to fall asleep? Think about these people that went through all of these? It’s not as simple as you think. NO, they aren’t trying to gain attention. No. They’re just trying to ease the pain. By a lil. 

Body, Mind, Soul

This blog has totally digressed out of theme. It has became more of a “my life” blog, with upcoming fitness/fashion/dance posts coming up. But still most of it still comes from my thoughts, and philosophy. It’s more of a diary I should say.. 

Why do I feel so fat?

In the beginning, it only happens once in a while. Down the road, it's gonna be everyday.

"We get so bothered with what the society deems us to be, and we believe in them so much, we forget who we really are" 

So.. What am I talking about? 

Psychological Disorder. 

Calm down, it isn't as bad as it seems, 2 words, yea? 

Right now, this is happening to me again. 

I'm so freaking fat, I'm so ugly, disgusting piece of slob go kill yourself. That's whats happening in my crazy mind. I can't help it. It's psychological. It's not the knife that killed that beautiful child, it was her mind that did. Yea. 

But you know what, as long as you eat well, health checks tell you you're alright, means you're good! If your health checks tell you you're not, means you really should change. Cause, at the end of the day it's your inner health that keeps you alive. Not your appearance honey. 

I'm trying to help myself, I hope I'm helping you too ❤

Love,

Angelica. 

Truth About Relationships (Love)

Truth is, you don't OWN him, he doesn't OWN you. 

Then you must be thinking, what?! We're in love, definitely we OWN each other! 

No, No, No 

Get your facts right, you two are just in love. Love is what brought you two together. Not money or possessions. (I mean if that is so, it's not true love) 

Doesn't mean that you two are in love means that you two becomes 1 person. Where things he/she does have to gain the opposite's permission to do before doing so. I mean, there's a reason why both of your brains don't merge to become a single head-double bodied human. Ya know what I'm talkin 'bout? 

The reason is simple, because being in love doesn't mean losing your own prospect. If you two are together, I'm sure both of your mindsets are similar one way or another, that made you two attract to each other. And therefore, you know, in love. ❤

I hope you've understood what does a "relationship" mean. 

Follow Your Dreams: I'm Gonna Follow Mine

Have you ever doubted yourself? Thinking if you'll ever succeed if you chose this route. What if you don't? You'll be left with nothing, you'll have to go all the way back down. Nothing left. 

But, do you remember what stroked that dream of yours? What made you believe that you can do that? What? Why did u even start to do that, and then it became your dream. How? 

We seek advice from different people, asking what they advice us to do. Some people encourage, some people discourage. They you start to doubt the power of your dreams, and then forget the purpose of you living. 

But after asking so many different people, did you stop to ask yourself what you wanted? If you're spiritual, did you realise that by doubting these dreams of yours, is actually not having faith in God? 

You forgot. 

So right now, my best advice to you, trust God, trust yourself. Have a leap of faith ❤ 

Maybe?

You make me so happy, you make me feel loved

You make me feel like I'm existent, you make me feel special. 

You show me what 'caring' is, but I'm not sure yet. 

But with all of this, comes out one big reason for me to hesitate. That is, all of this are surreal to me. I've never had this, never thought I'd deserve something like this. 

Could it be God sent, or just another joke. 

My heart fell in love, my brain isn't letting my walls down. 

Could you be the one? Or just another perfect tragedy. 

If I could love you, would you teach me how to.